Setting Emotional Boundaries in a Relationship
From time-to-time, some people may find themselves absorbing the emotions of the person they’re interacting with, such that the person sharing ends up having to comfort the listener. This can be especially challenging for someone who is a Highly Sensitive Person or who is especially empathic, since it can feel like second nature to feel what the other person is feeling. However, this can also create challenges in a relationship, as the person who was first upset is now taking on the role of comforter and ensuring the listener that “everything will be alright.” So, how do we create balance in the dynamic so that the speaker is getting their emotional needs met and the listener is able to hold space without absorbing all of the emotional energy of the speaker?
Before diving into that, I want to address emotional contagion. This notion comes up a lot surrounding workplace dynamics, but it’s also common in relationships of any kind. Emotional contagion theory suggests that as humans, we are able to “catch feelings,” like we can the common cold. Have you ever been in a place where someone walks into the room and all of a sudden, the energy completely shifts? You have experienced emotional contagion. But again, this can happen in a smaller dynamic between two individuals. It can look like someone getting angry at the other person for getting angry with them, or someone becoming overwhelmingly sad because their partner is in a lot of pain, etc. But the difference between empathy and emotional contagion is the way the listener responds and the boundaries they put in place (or that are lacking) to handle the emotions appropriately.
As therapists, we do healthy emotional boundary setting all of the time. I would be a less-than-effective therapist if every time a client came in upset to process their feelings, I became equally as upset along with them and became panicked over being unable to help. It is healthy and appropriate to learn how to hear someone’s narrative and empathize with them while holding space for yourself so as to not completely absorb the feelings into yourself. Certainly this is easier said than done. But what does it look like to set internal boundaries so as to not absorb the other’s feelings?
The first thing is to listen with the intention of hearing. Set yourself and your own agenda aside. If you are listening with the intention of waiting to respond, you are already in your own head. Quiet down your internal dialogue and just listen to what the other person is saying. Reflect what you heard them say (you can do this literally by saying, “I heard you say…” or “So it sounds like what you’re saying is…”) and check in to make sure you got it right. Then validate their experience (“Gosh, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.” “Yes, that would be really frustrating.” “I can see how you would be feeling that way.”). All of this will allow the speaker to feel heard and understood without you even doing anything! You didn’t offer advice in that moment, you didn’t try to fix… you simply let them be exactly where they are and assured them that their feelings/experience are/is valid (even if you don’t fully agree with it).
Sometimes the validating/empathizing piece is where people can get lost and start to absorb the other person’s feelings. This typically comes from a place of feeling like you need to “fix” the problem so that this person will no longer be feeling that way. As you are focusing on what they are saying, work on depersonalizing it. If your partner is upset with a situation that happened at work, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better. It is your role to help them feel heard and supported. Tell yourself, “this is not about me,” because literally, it’s not! Even if your partner is upset with something you did, sometimes that’s still not about you. Instead, it’s about something that is triggering from their past that is being mirrored by either how you responded or something that occurred. Sometimes your partner had a shitty day and they are taking it out on you by picking on you for something trivial. But if you get upset when your partner gets upset, nothing will get resolved. You have to be the strong, steady anchor in that moment to validate your partner’s experience, so they can come back to present and process with you.
If you notice yourself starting to “catch feelings,” work on taking a deep breath while the other person is speaking. Remind yourself, “this is not my responsibility,” or, “they are welcome to be upset (it may even be understandable!), but I do not need to get upset with them.” Reminding yourself of cues like these will be helpful to slowing your own feelings down and allowing you to come back to what your partner is trying to share. While we can all be guilty being over empathic at one time or another, the more you practice setting healthy internal boundaries, the easier it will be for others to share with you (if you want them to).
