Boundary Setting in Committed Relationships
Whether you are pursuing monogamy or consensual non-monogamy, there is usually an expectation in a committed, romantic relationship that partners will be faithful (however that is defined for you). However, in a time where affairs seem to be on the rise, what can you do to protect your relationship from infidelity? While there are numerous ways to go about this, I wanted to map out a few concrete ways to help you and your parter(s) with this.
Start by knowing your boundaries in advance. Have you and your partner discussed what you’re comfortable with in terms of amount of time spent together versus time/connectedness with others? Are you comfortable with them having friends that they could become attracted to, and if so, what are the boundaries within in those friendships that makes you both feel comfortable? Have you had a conversation about how you’ll handle if one of you starts having feelings for another person? A very simple way that I help clients examine their boundaries with others is through the concept of “time, talk, and touch”. The idea is that the more time, talk, and touch you have with someone, the more intimate your relationship becomes (be it friend, family, romantic, etc.). Therefore, your primary partnership should naturally have the most of these three in order to keep your intimacy and trust strong. However, if you start to notice that you’re spending more time with someone else (i.e. a co-worker), or talking to someone else more about personal issues such as problems you’re having in your relationship, or if you begin touching another person more (longer hugs, touching their arm or leg while laughing frequently, etc.), you will start to notice that your intimate energies are probably being more directed towards them and less towards your primary partner. Therefore, by slowing down and assessing how these three concepts are playing out in your relationships, you can work on decreasing the amount of time, talk, or touch you have with someone in your life if you or your partner feel that those are getting out of hand in one of your relationships (i.e. decrease the personal conversations with the coworker, spend no one-on-one time with the person you have a crush on, etc.).
While the problem of spending too much time, talk, and touch with another person other than your primary partner can lead to unfaithfulness, spending too much time with your partner can also lead down this road. Some people find that they spend so much time with their spouse that there’s no mystery - they know everything under the sun about each other, and that typically doesn’t fuel desire. Instead, by having different hobbies, friendships, jobs, activities, etc. to enjoy, passion can be fostered again in your relationship. Having too much time together to where you’re bored or feel like roommates can lead either of you to becoming vulnerable/susceptible to unfaithfulness because meeting someone new is exciting - there’s mystery and more to explore about someone new. Therefore, make sure you each have some time apart - the adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true!
If you’re concerned your partner is being unfaithful, ask in a way that doesn’t immediately seem accusatory. Someone’s defenses are naturally going to be up if you begin angrily making accusations that may or may not be true. Try approaching it in such a way, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been texting ____ a lot lately. Remember how we talked about boundaries with friends? I’m feeling a little concerned about that. Is anything going on?”
I can’t guarantee your partner will be honest (people feel a lot of shame and fear around affairs, even if they also provide a thrill), but approaching them in a way that is less accusational and more curious will hopefully make them feel a little more receptive to honesty.
If fidelity is important to you and your partner, you will both take the time to have a conversation about boundaries. Many people avoid the conversation because they just assume that their partner shares the same boundaries, when in reality, different people perceive relationships and intimacy differently. The benefits of having a boundary conversation at the beginning to avoid potential misunderstandings is well worth your time.
Some sample questions:
- “How do you feel about friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your preferences)?”
- Is it appropriate for me to go out with someone one-on-one of the opposite (or same) sex? For breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks?
- If I’m attracted to someone in a way that could potentially pose a problem (i.e. not just a passerby, but a co-worker per se) how do you want to handle that? Would you like me to tell you? What boundaries would you like me to set in place?
- If I feel concerned about the amount of time, talk, or touch you have with someone, how can I best bring that up to you? Are you open discussing what boundaries we think would be appropriate?
- What actions/activities do you consider “cheating”?
- If you’re upset with me, who will you turn to for advice, input, venting, etc.?
- When have you had to put up boundaries in the past, or wish you had? What boundaries do you normally set on a regular basis in relationships?
This is just a small sample of questions to ponder/consider; however, asking questions like these and more will set you and your partner(s) up for success and hopefully prevent any miscommunication or misunderstandings that could lead to infidelity.
