How to Talk About What You Like (and Don't) in Sex, Part 2
Last week in my blog post “How to Talk About What You Like (and Don’t) in Sex Part 1,” I discussed how to talk to your partner about your red, yellow, and green lights when it comes to sex. Now that you know yours (and theirs), how do you start to implement trying some of these new activities?
Some people can find it very awkward to just jump into trying something new. This could be because of nerves, lack of experience with the activity itself, a negative experience in the past with rejection/shame, etc. So what does it look like to foster an environment of security and comfort so that you can turn on your wild side and begin to play?
To implement these reds, yellows, and greens, I give my clients the activity of doing some “experimentation” sessions and some regular “love making” sessions. Experimentation sessions are ones in which you both know you’re going to be trying new activities, so you can each expect a lot of feedback (both giving and receiving). Giving feedback can look like a lot of things… it could be verbal (“yes!” “a little softer” “to the left” “don’t stop!” etc.) or non-verbal (hums of yes, squeals of delight, “nhn” sounds for no, taking a hand and moving it to a different spot, grinning, frowning, etc.). There are a myriad of options, and you need to decide together what you each need to clearly understand from your partner the feedback they’re providing. Some people are uncomfortable giving or receiving verbal feedback, so just make sure you clearly define what different forms of non-verbal feedback you each need in order to provide the best possible experience for the other. When the experimental session is over, debrief after you’ve taken some time to relax. Discuss what you enjoyed, what you might like to change, and what you’d like to try in the future. Rather than saying something like, “I hated when you touched my clitoris directly!” try reframing it to: “it was really intense when you touched my clitoris directly. Could you try using the skin from the clitoral hood to give me pleasure, or come at it from a different angle (whatever you need), etc.?” The way we frame our feedback can make a huge difference in how open and receptive our partners are to it in the future and can be very impactful on your sexual experience. If you crave good sex, make sure you’re being mindful of how you give and receive feedback.
Once you’ve had an experimental session or two, it’s time for a lovemaking session. These sessions are where you take what you’ve learned and apply it as desired, without the pressure of continuous feedback. In sex, it’s always good to provide some feedback to make the experience enjoyable, but this is a time to back off of overanalyzing every sensation and to focus more on connection. If your partner can’t quite find the spot and you’ve redirected twice, move onto something else, knowing you can revisit that in an experimental session. Too much feedback can be painful, exhausting, and shaming, and lovemaking sessions are all about connection and enjoying everything you’ve cultivated with your partner up to this moment. When the lovemaking sessions are over and you’ve had time to cuddle/snuggle/whatever post sex ritual you have, debrief again, sharing what you enjoyed, what you might change (if anything), and what you might like to try in the future.
Be mindful of the amount of feedback you’re giving. These activities are intended to cultivate excitement and curiosity and the ability to try new things. If you’re finding yourself feeling depressed, shamed, upset, frustrated, etc. after a few rounds of the different exercises, take a break. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling or talk to a therapist or trusted friend to uncover why that’s coming up for you.
Over the next few weeks, take some of those yellows and greens and have an experimental session or two along with some lovemaking sessions and explore! I hope you find new experiences that increase connection and pleasure for you.
