I waited for sex until marriage and am struggling with it… what do I do?
“My partner and I just got married and sex is definitely not what I thought it would be. We decided to wait until marriage (or close to it) and it’s nothing like how my friends describe it or how the media portrays it. It’s painful or boring and I just don’t get what the hype is all about.” While I hear this narrative from both individuals with a faith-based background and those that do not, this a common concern I hear from those who have waited for sex until marriage. For many people, this is a very important tradition to uphold for various reasons. Some people are able to make this transition without any problems, whereas others struggle, and that’s pretty normal. Whether it’s guilt you’re experiencing, pain, or boredom, there are ways to move through this new transition of a greater exploration of your sexual self and come out the other side with some (if not a lot of) excitement.
Some individuals will express to me this feeling of guilt after having had sex after marriage. “It’s not that I think it’s wrong… I know it’s okay now, but it’s hard to go from sex being a hard ‘no’ to be totally acceptable overnight.” Sound like you? It’s normal. This is a big mind shift over a quick period of time, so it’s okay to feel some guilt the first few times while you’re adjusting. If you come from a faith-based perspective, remember, this is a gift from God for you and your partner to enjoy together. If you’re feeling guilty, take some time to reflect and pray about it. Consult with a trusted mentor or spiritual role model to process this change. It’s normal and it will eventually pass. Check in with yourself on what messages you’re telling yourself. Are you judging yourself for not moving past this faster? Are you telling yourself that what you’re doing is wrong? Work on examining the negative thoughts that crop up around guilt and work on replacing them with scripture or more adaptive thoughts. Most people seem to benefit from simply talking it out with someone else and giving it time, but putting forth the effort to chase away those negative thoughts can also be helpful.
If you find that sex is painful as a vulva owner, there are several things that could be going on. Refer back to my recent blog “When Sex is Painful (for Vulva Owners)” to see what you can do to address sexual pain. If you are a penis owner experiencing sexual pain, I highly encourage you to visit primary care and get some testing done. You may also need a pelvic floor specialist to work on relaxing or strengthening those muscles, or there may be another medical concern going on.
As you begin to explore sex, communicate and educate. Communicate with one another. Talk about what worked and what you’d like to see done differently (see my blogs, “How to Talk About What You Like (and Don’t) During Sex parts 1 & part 2”). Your partner is not a mind reader and while they may know what feels good to them they don’t know what feels good to you. Therefore, you have to start exploring your body to know what works for you in order to communicate with them what you most enjoy. Ask lots of questions and be curious. Discuss your fantasies and what it is about them that turns you on. Do you enjoy that it’s a taboo activity, do you gain physical pleasure from it, is it what gets you off, etc.? If you have no idea what turns you on… get curious and start educating yourself. There are tons of books that exist to help you explore different aspects of sex. There are books on positions, on giving oral sex (and the multitude of ways this can be done), books on kink, toy play, etc. You don’t have to turn to porn if that’s not your area of interest to learn more about sexual pleasure. There are even sex games you can play that allow you to explore you and your partner’s sexual preferences. Amazon or a local adult store (think Hustler Hollywood, Dusty Flynt, Lion’s Den, etc.) are excellent places to look for these products. And again, even if you have a faith-based background, you are educating yourself for the sake of your marriage - to improve your sex life. You don’t know what you don’t know, and while sex can seem biologically natural, sometimes we need a little extra help to get us to where we need to be. There’s no shame in educating yourself for the sake of improving sex/your marriage as a whole.
It seems that often, when people first get married and don’t enjoy sex, it’s because one of these facets is missing. Either there’s a lack of confidence due to a lack of knowledge (so go get books, ask questions, etc.), a lack of communication (your partner can’t read your mind), shame messages still existing (talk to a friend/trusted faith mentor or work on addressing your negative thoughts with scripture), or pain is involved (call the doctor). If you’ve engaged in these things and still don’t feel like you’re making any strides, consider consulting a sex therapist, educator, or coach. They can help explore with you (and your partner) what barriers still exist for helping you both to find pleasure. Whether you come from a faith-based background or have simply had a hard time transitioning into a sexual relationship if you waited until marriage, there is plenty of opportunity for growth and excellent sex in your future! Don’t hold yourself back.
