How and When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Talking to your kids about sex is often considered one of the most daunting tasks for parents. Whether you're on the giving or receiving end, it's common to feel uncomfortable discussing this sensitive topic. Many adults struggle to find the right words and want to rush through the process, often leaving out important details. This blog aims to provide a comprehensive guide on how and when to talk to your kids about sex, ensuring that the conversation is informative, supportive, and sex-positive.

Why Expand "The Talk"?

It's crucial to go beyond the traditional "birds and the bees" conversation. As a sex therapist, I often encounter clients who feel embarrassed or have misconceptions about sex because no one ever talked to them about it in a meaningful way. Many people were raised with the notion that sex is awkward, taboo, or shameful to discuss.

By closing off our kids from talking about sex, we’re modeling the notion that there’s something inherently wrong with sex – that it needs to be hidden and can only be discussed with our partner. The problem with this is that as adults, most people have no one to turn to when they’re experiencing sexual difficulties. Forget about talking to a friend, co-worker, spiritual leader, etc. – most people just avoid the topic. And if the doctor doesn’t bring it up (which they probably won’t since they too feel awkward talking about sex), who can one turn to for guidance and advice? Porn? The industry that takes sex and scripts and edits it to look more like a movie than real life? I don’t think so. While porn might teach a technique or two, it doesn’t address issues such as pain, dysfunction, lack of desire, etc. Therefore, by setting a new trend and talking to your child about sex, you’re setting them and society up for better sex education and therefore better sexual health.

The Importance of Early Education

Start Early

The best time to start talking to your child about sex is as early as possible. Early education helps normalize the conversation and ensures it never becomes a taboo topic in your home. Teach your child to label their anatomy correctly from a young age. For instance, girls should know the difference between their vulva and vagina, and boys should understand their penis and the normalcy of erections and ejaculation.

Teach Consent Early

Teaching consent from an early age is vital. Instead of forcing hugs, kisses, or tickles, ask your child if they would like to engage in these activities. Teaching them that it's okay to say "no" helps them advocate for their own rights regarding their bodies. This lesson not only reduces potential shame around sex and bodies but is also crucial for their safety and understanding of boundaries. Teaching them from an early age that it’s okay to say “no” will help give them a voice early on to advocate for their own rights when it comes to their bodies. This is important not only for lessening any potential shame around sex and our bodies, but it’s also very important in the court of law. There have been cases where a perpetrator did not receive a full conviction because the child didn’t know how to describe the assault that happened to them, since they didn’t know how to properly label their body parts. And while this is an extreme example, it highlights the importance of teaching children proper anatomy and consent.

Discuss Gender and Sexuality

From a young age, it's important to talk to your child about gender and sexuality. Explain that gender is not just about being male or female but can include a variety of identities. Encourage them to express themselves and let them know it's okay to feel different from societal norms. Discuss different sexual orientations and explain that it's normal for people to love whomever they choose, whether it's someone of the same gender, a different gender, or multiple genders. This openness helps children feel accepted and understood, reducing any confusion or shame they might feel about their own identity or the identities of others.

If your personal values don't align with LGBTQIA+ positive sex education, you still need to have this conversation with your kids. They are going to encounter different genders and sexualities throughout life and should know how to be respectful of others, even if values differ or don't align.

Continuously Educate as They Grow

Honest Conversations

As children grow older, continue having honest and open conversations about sex. If you catch your child self-pleasuring, address it calmly and privately. Avoid shaming and provide a gentle explanation that aligns with your household values. It's natural for children to explore their bodies, including their genitals. By addressing it in a non-shaming manner, they are more likely to come to you with future questions and concerns.

Adolescence and Teen Years

During adolescence and teen years, it's important to discuss puberty and the changes their bodies will undergo. Create a "welcome to puberty" package with essentials like razors, deodorant, period products and more. Explain both the physical and emotional aspects of sex, including potential consequences such as pregnancy, STIs, and emotional responses. Ensure your child knows they can come to you with any questions or concerns. And check in to make sure that if they don't feel comfortable talking to you, they have a safe person in their life like an aunt/uncle or mentor they can turn to with their questions.

Talking About Porn

With the easy accessibility of pornography on the internet, it's essential to have open conversations with your child about it. Explain that porn is a scripted and edited version of sex, not an accurate representation of real-life sexual experiences. Discuss the potential impacts of watching porn, such as unrealistic expectations, misconceptions about sex and bodies, and the importance of consent and communication in real-life relationships. By addressing this topic, you can help your child develop a healthy understanding of sex and relationships.

Tips for Effective Communication

Get Comfortable

Before talking to your kids, get comfortable with the topic yourself. Practice discussing sex openly, whether in front of a mirror or with your partner. Familiarize yourself with the proper anatomical terms and use them confidently.

Reduce Shame-Based Messages

Avoid using shame-based messages when discussing sex. Show your kids that sex isn't something to be hidden and that you're a safe person to talk to. This openness will help them feel more comfortable discussing any sexual difficulties they might encounter in the future.

Explain Your Values

If your family holds specific values about sex, explain the reasons behind them. Children are more likely to respect boundaries if they understand the rationale. Avoid the "because I said so" approach and provide clear, thoughtful explanations.

Conclusion

By being open and honest with your kids about sex, gender, sexuality, and pornography, you help reduce shame and empower them to make informed decisions. It's never too late to start the conversation, no matter what phase of life your child is in. Remember, you've got this!

By following these guidelines, you can foster a healthy, sex-positive environment for your children, setting them up for a lifetime of better sexual health and open communication.