Attachment Theory & Its Impact on Your Relationships

You know how people joke that when you go to therapy, you’ll be told that all of your problems stem from childhood? Well, they weren’t wrong. There’s a concept called “Attachment Theory” that explains how the way our parents responded to us in times of need impact the way that we as adults interact in other significant relationships in our lives (i.e. if your parents minimized your feelings and told you to just “get over it,” it’s likely that you either don’t seek emotional reassurance from anyone, or the opposite, that you seek a lot of validation from others in your relationships). This is important because if you can learn your own patterns of behavior (especially with regards to how you respond in times of need), you can adapt it to work in the best way possible for you, to maximize finding the right partner or being with the right partner (and also being the best partner for your partner). Before explaining the types of attachment, to define “times of need,” this can be any instance where you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. For example, different people respond in different ways when they think their relationship might be ending. Some people get really panicked and start to relentlessly pursue their partner, some people withdraw or try to preemptively end the relationship first, some people try to slow things down and have a conversation and accept the outcome, etc. We all differ in our responses during times of need, and attachment theory is a great way to conceptualize the different ways people respond and how you can adapt to respond differently.

There are four types of attachment:

1. Secure: as adults, this looks like someone who is generally pretty emotionally regulated. They have a healthy balance of spending time with their partner and their friends. In conflict, they tend not to get too overheated - they respond rather than react. If their relationship looks like it’s ending, they may try to talk/work things out, but will generally be levelheaded in responding to the outcome.
2. Insecure: insecure branches into the other three types:
3. Avoidant: tends to minimize their own feelings and therefore the feelings of others. Avoids conflict at all cost and will withdraw in heated arguments or when the relationship appears to be ending. This person is independent to the point of not needing anyone to meet their needs and doesn’t like to rely on others to meet their needs.
4. Anxious: frequently seeking reassurance in a relationship. In conflict, tends to pursue and not relent until the conflict is resolved. Will become anxious/upset if they don’t hear from their partner or don’t feel like they’re getting enough of their partner’s affection. Heavily relies on others to meet their emotional needs.
5. Anxious-avoidant or disorganized: a blend of the two. They desire closeness in a relationship, but once things start to get too serious, start to back off and withdraw. They struggle to manage stress because they’re unsure if they can trust others enough to let them in, so they tend to appear rather inconsistent in relationships.

Everyone falls on the spectrum for attachment, so there is no black and white, “I am avoidant/anxious/secure/disorganized,” because in different relationships, we can show up differently. If you are with a partner that tends to be more avoidant and you’re naturally a little more anxious, you will tend to show up as even more anxious and they will tend to show up as even more avoidant, because those two attachment styles are major triggers for one another. If you are insecure and in a relationship (dating, friendship, family etc.) with someone who is more secure, you tend to start to lean more towards secure behaviors, even if your default is normally more insecure.

So what do you do if you find that you have more insecure tendencies? For one, do some self-work. Start to pay attention to the way you respond in conflict with others. Do you find that you pursue to the point that you’re pushing your partner away? If so, lean back and find some self-soothing exercises that work for you (meditation, drawing, creating music, talking to a friend, etc.). If you find that you withdraw often when in conflict, try slowing down and listening to the other person’s perspective and reflect their feelings. It’s likely that they aren’t trying to upset you, but they’re not feeling heard because you are shutting down. You’d be surprised how quickly someone calms down when you start empathizing with them, and then you can express your own concerns to get your needs met too.

There are a plethora of ways to cope with insecure attachment. Working with a therapist to uncover the origins of those patterns can be helpful (again, these partners started based on the way that your parents responded to you in childhood), or even reading a book on attachment (“Wired for Love,” “Insecure in Love,” “Hold Me Tight”) can be really helpful for understanding your own pattern and the pattern of those around you. Once you notice that your friend/spouse/boss, etc. is a certain attachment style, you can adapt the way you respond to them to help alleviate their insecurity (knowing that it’s still ultimately their responsibility to work on their own reactions). Your attachment style plays a huge role in the way you interact with others and deal with conflict, and the closer you can get to secure attachment, the more ease you will find in interacting with others.

If you’d like to learn more about your typical attachment tendencies in different relationships, you can take this free assessment online to get started! https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/menu.php

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