Rituals of Connection

Feeling stuck in a rut with your partner? There’s a lot of different things we can do to evaluate and make changes, but just one I’d like to suggest is examining your rituals of connection. What are rituals of connection? They are the moments when you depart from or greet your loved ones (i.e. leaving for work in the morning or returning from work). If you’re feeling a bit disconnected, examine these. Are you kissing or hugging your partner goodbye and saying something thoughtful like “I love you” or “have a good day!” or are you rushing out the door, coffee in one hand, bag in another without a word? When you come home, are you pausing to greet, give affection, and checking in? Research shows that a 6 second kiss or a 20 second hug are necessary to release hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, which help us feel more connected to our loved ones. Instead of running to your room to change or immediately asking about tasks that need to get done (is dinner done? did you empty the dishwasher like I asked? etc.), pause and check in with your loved ones (how was your day? what made you smile today? etc.). And when you go to bed, are you going to bed separately, or together? Are you taking time at the end of the day to check in on each other’s emotional well-being, or are you going back into that ritual of asking about chores and thinking about tomorrow? Many couples get stuck in monotony because their lives have turned into a ritual of taking care of tasks. Make it a priority to slow down and really check in on the emotional well-being of your partner. If you’re stuck on some fun or intentional questions to ask, download Gottman Decks, a fun, flashcard-like app developed by the Gottman Institute that has different topics and fun/intentional questions to ask your partner. I know you’re probably worn out, tired, and find it challenging to be intentional at times, but by making these small adjustments to your rituals of connection, you should start to notice a shift in your connection with your partner (or other loved ones) that creates a deeper sense of intimate knowing of each other.